I'm amazed at how science can help us find ways to better ourselves, the stigma of mental health needs to end, we need to be able to talk about it, and sometimes even just listen can make all the difference.
In the past few years, I have learned more about my family history and just as much about their mental health (I refuse to believe I was the only with depression). Oh boy, the things I found!
But my journey isn't as long as you may think.
So let me tell you my story.
While on my mission, I struggled greatly. Some of my companions would just go on and on about how great their families were (blessed their hearts!) Some of them never understood that is like to come from a mixed family. it got to a point where I became depressed, defensive and was ready to call it quits but my mission president thought doing therapy on the mission (YES, you read that right) could help me. Was he ever right! I won't deny my mission president had a peculiar way of thinking but, his suggestion changed my life and I will forever be grateful to him and his wife. The remaining time of my mission was different and I came to know them so well.
Ted L. Really help see my emotions, did you know I'm not an angry person by nature? That was just my way to protect myself. I often say I didn't use to cry now everything (good or bad) makes me cry!
There were a few things that I still remember to this day ( I wish I had the paper copy still)
1. He asked me to tell myself while standing in front of the mirror "I love you" daily for 30 days!. In my mind I thought this guy was crazy and perhaps the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" boy was I ever wrong! After this, he asked me to ask my loved ones to write me a letter telling me they love me and he then proceeded to tell me how powerful an "I love you" from those you love can means so much more than the self-love I had for myself.
2. He had this cartoon reading, it was funny but the one thing that stood out was how our brain goes to a panic mode so often. Its something like the brain was frantically screaming "we going to die" but nothing was wrong... Doesn't sound familiar?
3. This one was the hardest one.
I needed to come up with a list of good qualities and for each doubtful thought throughout the process! Boy was this hard. In the end, I couldn't do it, so my companions helped, then on a zone conference my mission president put me on the spot and proceeded to list my qualities perhaps knowing my struggles? He praised me and that just broke me. It was good but somehow I didn't know how to handle it.
After my mission, my depression came back harder than ever. After much testing, I was medically diagnosed with atypical depression for the first time in my life. I remember the doctor's words so clearly "you should have been diagnosed at 12, that would have made life so much easier". At this time my mom was reluctant to believe in depression (but she also didn't believe in allergies until the year previous 😂) so I kept it from her the best I could. My sister found me on crawling in pain on the floor once I didn't know the medication works better when taken with food, actually, I knew! One of my companions used to tell me about her meds and I thought she was exaggerating... Karma? I explained to my very young sister what was happening and she just couldn't find a way to help but her display of care for me has never left my mind.
I had rough days during my first year but in the end, I was doing great so I came off the medication! Yaaay right? Once I moved to Utah life was harder and harder somehow -is this adulting?? I managed the best I could but in the end, I had to go back on medication and that time was way harder but, I was lucky, I had my roommates to lean on and thank goodness for it. I feel that year was a never-ending battle
I met my Kay, shortly after, and while dating news hit me. My friend from University had committed suicide, I would have never thought such a kind, helpful and selfless person would have been dealing with depression but now thinking about it I was in such a rot he probably didn't want to add to my own personal mess or worry me.
I have an amazing husband, he loves me so much, supports me, cares for me, lifts me up, protects me, and sees the best in me among a ton of other things. So when life wasn't going the way I've planned frustration started to settle, nothing was working out for me, and started counseling once again.
This time I learned about core beliefs, trauma, and coping mechanisms! This was hard and about to get harder. After a while, I seemed to be doing great so once again off the meds we went. I started traveling again I was friends more often, mended friendships visited old friends I have been meaning to see for years and lastly, I went home for the first time in 6 years.
Seeing my family all in one place made me smile, I felt alive, whole, and as we left I knew something was off. I felt trapped, I felt like a bad sister, daughter, friend, and wife. My life was scattered in 3 different countries, uscis was holding my future hostage for (20 months and counting), I had no family near, all that was keeping me in Utah was my husband.
On June 9, 2019 (Gabriela's 9th birthday) I feel complete despair, or as E. Durkheim I was experiencing anomie. I should have known I needed to calm down before talking about anything but I didn't and found myself in my dark place. The dark place I haven't fully seen I'm 14 years, my void, my shame and I again let go of hope and submitted myself to the dark side of me, my harmful thoughts and all I wanted was to end life as I knew it and stop the feelings. The pain I felt before, the wrongs, the aches, the abuse, the insecurities, the abandonment, the failures, the trauma but, everything came back and I caved.
I tried calling for help but I call the wrong county, I called my counselors but I didn't found an answer and then I completely let go. I don't remember much, other than my husband arriving, moving me, trying to get me to throw up, I remember my counselors voice in the background, I remember a dark wall behind me, I remember coming in and out of consciousness, I remember not being able to move and the only thing I would never forget I remember seeing my husband's face next to me.
My sense of time was gone, I wasn't fully conscious at the time. I remember a group of people standing above me, someone said catheter, and then I heard counting, and the next time I opened my eyes I was being moved to the ICU.
I kept trying to dry tears from my husband's eyes, tears that weren't fully there. Then I learned they couldn't flush my stomach and I was hallucinating!. Life just got a bit more challenging for the next 48 hours. At some point, I thought I was going to die. I saw loved one calling my name down the hall, my parents, my siblings running around, my aunt's, my grandma (who has been dead for over 20 years), I saw my greatest love who also had been dead for 14 years and I would extend my hands and wave them to come closer, this was the only way I could differentiate real from imagination.
We had a person assigned to my room at all times and to this day I wonder how they must have been feeling!! I mean here is this woman waving into thin air. the last of my hallucinations were 3 kitties, so tiny and fluffy, running in front of my door. That's when I knew I was truly hallucinating.
Slowly I started to feel better, the staff at the American fork hospital in ICU were amazing, so attentive, and even though I know that's their job I'm very grateful for the warmth and the get well soon card they later sent me.
My mother would call me to check on me, my husband slept next to me and didn't leave my side for very long, friends came to visit and even though one of them didn't say it I could almost read her mind "damn it Liz", some of my in-laws came and one of them, in particular, hugged so hard I couldn't stop to think what would be of them, the ones I would have left behind if my husband didn't have come home early that day.
I was feeling more like myself just needed to be released, I won't share details of what or what didn't use for obvious reasons but one of the nurses told me quietly, you were very lucky. I knew I was what I didn't know is that the worst was yet to come.
A worker for the hospital decided that I had earned some time at the psych ward. I was assigned to the Utah Valley hospital in Provo. This place was about to break me and I didn't even know how much this was going to hurt.
Now don't get me wrong, I grew up with my aunts who are schizophrenics, the psych ward wasn't new to me but I hope my experience was going to be helpful when in reality this place was literal hell.
I was sent in an ambulance, I saw my husband followed me until the ambulance took off. I cried my eyes out. I wanted to come home, heal, move on, and start fresh. Instead, I was being driven to the Looney bin. I won't deny it, as I'm writing this I'm tearing up all over. I have had my share of horrible events throughout my life but this one is one I haven't talk to much about it and/or with too many people.
The stigma, the comments, and opinions have kept me from saying much but I have learned a lot in the last year and a bit.
Now here is why I believe we need to remove the stigma about mental health.
I was on my way to the Looney bin, Got there, lost and confused, even though my stay was "voluntary" I wasn't allowed to leave. The nurse that did my intake was so harsh, cold, and plainly bullied me, she had me stripped from my clothes, checked me as if I was going to jail and with a smirk to her face she said "we decided when you leave".
I never felt so degraded in my whole life and I have had a share of bullies!. I received no actual therapy during my stay, I thought my roommate was going to kill me at night, visiting hours were short. Like very short! I would crawl into a ball and cry to my husband every night for what felt like an eternity. Also during this time, I had an unthreaded UTI. I told them they just refuse to treat it! I didn't see the sun very much, in fact, we couldn't even go outside.
I quickly realized I need to do whatever I could to get myself out from this hole before I actually got worse.
You might be thinking "Lizeth this was for your own good!" I thought so too but I was just locked up! Like I said no therapy. There were "activities" to eat and watch TV and that's not what I needed.
Once I left this place I promised myself I would do whatever it takes to never set foot in that hospital.
I did the work don't you worry! I got myself into anxiety meds. YES, I suffer from anxiety and NO isn't just in my head. I started therapy, switched medications, worked on coping skills, previous trauma, core beliefs, started school again, visited family and it hasn't been easy but I see the change, the progress and I have tried very hard to do something each day to remind myself I'm worth it and I'm here to stay.
My gratitude to my husband for his unconditional love is something I can't express enough, I'm grateful to my family for allowing to heal and talk about it at my own pace, our friends who allowed is to stay at their place while I recovered from the kidney infection after the Looney bin and while I gather the courage to go home and last but not least my in law's, I couldn't think of anyone better to help me deal with this.
Please stay, you are loved, you are worth it and life without you won't be the same.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.
800-273-8255
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