I have tried to write once a month, making myself accountable for my progress in my writing since I suck so bad. I skipped December since the whole month my emotions were all over the place.
Now looking back this month I have realize of the unhealthy habit I been hiding under, repressing my feelings... I not only have neglected the fact that I have depression but also all the progress I had made up to my last visit and somehow made the folly of allowed a stranger to shot it, shatter into pieces, stepped on it and toss it.
I realize that no matter how hard you try, the value of trust, honesty, and respect among other qualities is been degraded to a survival instinct. Everyone uses you, abuses you and do with you as they wish.
In the course of my life I have encountered several men who's manners and behaviours leave room to a lot of questions. I also met the greatest of liars, and in all I have also met the kindest ones. I struggle with this pressure in my chest, the ridiculous amount of questions that will never be answered or perhaps the lies will never get thru my core.
I always thought that crying was for the weak, that you should never show your emotions and also trust anyone NO ONE, that right there was how I survived, constantly hoping it could be different and never being able to proof myself wrong, during my mission I was able to break thru some of those thick walls and open up while finding out about my depression and how is not so typical, I was able to express my emotions better, to allow myself to feeling something more than anger and euphoria, which I was just getting used to. Till I allowed the wrong person to see it and well once again allow them to walk over me, to diminish me with their comments, to rip from me what I treasure the most, I allowed them to enter in my life. I'm fully aware that I shouldn't care of that they think or say, but at the same time I strongly disagree with possibility of destroying someone inside out just because.
Now, just as usual, once the damage is been done and the temporal bandage no longer wants to do the job I see that coward face, the fake bravery truly reflect the pawn. The real intentions, the weakness, the loose ends, the emptiness of the big worlds and what the rest is truly worth. And after all that, I keep falling, and getting up and sometimes even crawling but keep trying to move forward and do something for myself, make something out of my life, better myself and walk up to the standards and dreams that may seem ridicules or impossible for me to accomplish according to you.
I'm rather amazed how someone who doesn't know me at all thinks that for some odd reason has gain authority to describe me and say who I truly am and what I'm capable or not.
What a pansy, what a lack of respect, confronting what we fear and accepting the things we may face will allows to live in a world where other gain the right to judges due to their statues or name.
What a shame that after all the still cowardly hiding under others, continuing to ruin other reputations and controlling they lives of those they love.
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